i think i've idealised love too much. made it too beautiful in my imagination that reality becomes a far cry from it. i should stop dreaming. haha

i'm scared. for i suddenly realised last night, our own vulnerability. i have to learn to take care of myself, for one day, roles will be reversed, and i would have to be the one taking care of them.

and yet now, we aren't communicating enough, i'm just out too much too often. how is it that i place them as my utmost no. 1 priority, but feel the guiltiest towards them? the sense of not trying to do more, knowing that i haven't done enough, is tugging at my heart. i don't want to have to lose to treasure. nor live with regrets.

on a happier note, air con's fixed! and the month of july is coming! which means 15 more days till i fly!!! =)

but i really hope mum's ok.. so worrying to see the one strong woman i know weak.

oh no! i fat! zap zap!

she's been quiet the whole night, and with her taking medicine that her obstetrician issued, i worry.

and sometimes i wonder, what makes you love me so.

sometimes i wish i was more independent. then i would not have to rely on people to decide whether i am happy or sad. or maybe if i am more independent, then whatever modules i choose would be due to my own preferences, not cause i am afraid to be alone. haiz.

i've never liked the feeling of dependence.

9 minutes countdown to CBE subject registration! haha by the time i finish typing this entry, i think it's time. =p

and suddenly i realise i am going to a class where i know very little people or even no one. bit saddened. but it's just for one semester. perhaps this arrangement will allow me to study harder. or make me feel lonely in a bumbling crowd of students in this huge campus.

july is coming! and then i'll be flying on the 15th! yay!!

the aircon's still down, and what with the notorious humid mid-year singaporean weather, the urge to cut my hair intensifies everyday. curse and swear when my hair sticks to my already sticky neck. grrrrrrrr.

i shall go STARS liao, kiasu abit. haha

i was thinking in the bath today, as usual. and i wondered do i change a lot when i am in a relationship? well the obvious would probably be that i spend more time with my friends when i'm not attached. but then i think i become more lackadaisical, short concentration span, easily irritated?

no wonder my parents will worry if they get news that i'm attached. of course, they will firstly worry about my studies, which no matter what will still get affected. but i think they also worry that when i'm in a relationship my focus and point of view gets blurred, and i end up putting my effort and concentration on the wrong thing, or even the wrong guy.

so i guess, a guy who loves me has just gotta love my parents. no fight. end of the day, my parents are still the ones i rely on the most.

wah! why did i blog such an entry? haha i'm waiting to meet evan later!! woohoo!=) take care ql!! cya soon when you're well! =)

有点受伤，岂非我要求太多？
把你推开，是种自然反应。

one of the things i sometimes tire of in my life is having to separate one part of my life from another. things i can blog about with things i cant blog about. groups of people from individuals. or whatever.wish it could change. then i wouldnt constantly feel the tension threatening to break me. hmm

but having to force people to mingle is not respecting their personal choice, and i dont want to do that. so i continue this way..

thanks evan! =D muacks!hugs!!

i hate sleeping without air con. and yet there must be some moron who switched on the stereo extremely loud this morning. i dont want to make small talk on this morning, yet there is going to be company for lunch. no notice again, why aint i surprised?

foul mood. want to go out for a breather. but there's no one to ask out. and i suddenly recall a guy who took a cab to tampines just to accompany me.

foul mood. foul mood. foul mood.

i like photos of 背影 , must be because of ''over time''. capturing a side of us that cant be pretended.

hong says i'm mad.. haha and yes i know i am. dao bi la. how come like that? hahaha =p

oh no! just one day at home and i thought tomorrow is sat! i must be going mad! haha tomorrow's fri people!! wahaha

oh ya, lately i feelng optimistic about love. wonder why...

let things happen naturally ba.. jiayou my dear babe! =)

i'm smiling everyday..i dunno how to describe the feeling, like seeing a rainbow on a beautiful day. a nice feeling that stays for a long while, and makes me believe everything's possible.

as suddenly as i started working, it seems i am going to stop working suddenly too. everything is up to her, and she chooses not to consult me before making a decision, and assumes i would comply. but it seems i cant do what she did, to cancel the airport job made her mad, for reasons i cant understand. at least there was peace at dinner time, though i was rather on tenterhooks.

meeting the girls on saturday for kbox, time unknown. meeting ql next week most probably wed or fri. registering subjects on thurs!! and i suddenly realise saturday is tomorrow! omg! when one is working, time flies! though the hours crawl. haha

i have to be reminded to get things done. settle my roam, pack luggage, HK i'm coming!! hotel and flight's booked! so exciting!!! pre pre pre wahaha!!

imagining imagining.. but good stuff this time.. haha so happy to finally be able to go HK! whahaha

i got my green light for hk!! yay!!!=D

and i damn hate working on short notice.

tempted change skin again. dont really like the butterfly now.

hmm i realise my life now very simple. for the past weeks like only revolve around two groups of people. haha

even though she n i have grown apart, i remember the time when we were close. the time when she touched me by visiting me at my house during my recuperation period. and when she msn-ed me just now with an affectionate greeting, i remember her sincerity and beautiful friendship. a regret we lost that closeness, but i keep the memories in my heart.

air con is spoilt. how to sleep? and the world is not blogging. roar!

shopping mood! want bags and new clothes! GSS yay!

oh ya better clarify that the one getting attached is not me. haha today is a boring day!

bought a bag today, and because i returned to the shop to buy after browsing, the sales manager keep calling me dear and darling. haha made me think a funny thought- that even my boyfriend also not so affectionate. lame =p

dunno when i said something like my bf will be the no. 3 guy in my life right? then suddenly i think my bf, whoever the person will be, is very pitiable. cause he must always put up with my emotional over-sensitivity, then he must sacrifice to let me spend time with my friends and family. sometimes must even sacrifice to let me sleep eat and watch tv.and he must somehow try to make me believe in love. haha the last requirement is the hardest.

but i quite good gf what? right? haha zi por. wuliao.

hmm i need to tackle something tmr, wish me luck. haha =)

ps. haha someone is joining the attached club. hor? =p

i think too much. it drives me into overcharged emotional mode. so tiring.

for now, i just want to be happy.

ORH!

I once hoped I could find a man whose actions were for me, who would do anything I ask. Who would love me unconditionally with his heart.

And I just realised, I have this man all along.

A man who held me in his arms, against all elements. A man who sweated and worried for me. A man who slept on the foldable bed when I was in hospital, always alert for my slightest movement.

Slap me if I am ever ungrateful to him, slap me if I am not filial. But inside my heart, I already feel the pain and guilt should I ever let him down. Or worse, do something to put myself at a disadvantage. Because to know I am hurting hurts him more.

Mum watched a show the other day titled "Back to you and me". The show depicted how a man begged his wife to go out late every night, cause he was dying and he wanted his wife to be able to live her life without him. It's a sweet thought, but also cruel.

So my mum reflected how life torments two people in love. A sweet honeymoon period, where the couple is tighter than glue. Then, when the children are born, or the mundane details of life kicks in, the couple grows distant. Finally when they are retired and able to spend time together, death sets in, and breaks the two of them apart. Don't tell me rubbish like in heaven they will meet. How would you know?

But to have lived a life loving someone, and being loved by the same someone, I guess there is nothing else to regret. It is worse if suddenly death robs your love away from you, in an accident. At least when you die of old age, you spend the last days together.

I will probably spend the most time with my boyfriend, my husband, but in my heart, I guess he can only be my third most loved. After my father and my brother. No doubt.

My greatest fear is that one day I'll be left fatherless, and then orphaned. Separated from the ones who took the best care of me. And I suddenly think of the song, 练习。But how could one practise to live life without love?

i am wasting time online.

not in the mood. of doing anything.

serbia n montenegro let me down. hmm

should be in bed by now, working at my mom's the entire week.

somehow, i resist marriage. for fear i will not only screw up my life, but also another person's. indelibly. by being labelled divorcees.

cant help but think, how many marks would you give me out of ten? haha dunnid to answer this dumb q.

nitez ppl. have a nice slp!

suddenly in the mood to read my old entries, and i like my jan 07 one, and also surprised to realise i blogged alot about love in march.

haha perhaps march was my lovey month? :P

stupid england dunno kick what kind of sub-standard football. grr. so zero excitement. bleah

drama alumni dinner was surprisingly alright, but the revelation that there might really not be a public performance sort of stunned me. and qinzhi's words made me remember the fun we had, the bonds made, the Chinese Drama Spirit. and i guess for a while i wont feel that kind of 感动. abit 空.

people sometimes lose faith, so perhaps that's the reason why we look to something we can hold and see. amulets, crosses, rings. symbols of faith and love. constant reminders that we should always have faith and never forget. but why do rings sometime become a 枷锁，让人有压迫感?

i never had much faith but i am seeking more. before one day, i am brave enough to put on a ring again. and hopefully keep it for ever.

evan looking extremely blur.. =p lol
me and evan!
the static caused my hair to stand! oh my god!
playful girl put 5 sotongs on her hand!
static evan! =p

when little problems arise, i cant help but panic if the big picture is also wrong..

but as all things are, problems will somehow get resolved. =)

bro and me!
the long-legged family, according to evan, haha who claims she's adopted.. lol=p
the friendly uncles who work and stay at the kelong..
me on dad's shoulder

first fish caught!

i got more pics of my family!! but blogger unfriendly~~~!!! ROAR! try again later!

i'm back from kelong!!! did you miss me? as much as wing missed evan, or she missed him? haha seeing her look at his pics or wearing his sweater just makes me wish all the best for this blissful couple=) jiayou ba dear!!

3 days with this old friend made me realise again her innocence, wide-eyed curiousity at everything that is a new experience.. and it made me touched. i don't know why, perhaps cause i would never give myself in to new things so easily. the way she treated my family, and the comments she made about us made me ashamed, the old feeling of taking them for granted surfacing again.. i havent been a good sister, nor a good daughter..

hmm.. there's a funny pic of me sleeping with my eyes half open, and an extremely hilarious video of evan's burping record! wahaha but these are stuff you wont see.. :P oh ya, and one scary movie 5..

maybe i'll post pics later! =)

i'm a bit disappointed..

results are out. didn't do too badly, powers of moderation, but next semester, things cant be left to fate.